Why Men Withdraw, And What To Do About It

19. October 2007, 8:31 UhrArticle, Christian CarterChristian Carter

Tons of women do this one thing.

And it must leave them feeling awful…

I wonder if you do it too?

I’m talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.

Ever felt this way?

It’s happens when you won’t communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you’ll “scare him away”.

Unfortunately, you’re right… it could scare him away.

The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

I’ll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second…

First, I’d like to talk about what I’ve seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

I’ve had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man.

(and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general - man or woman)

There’s a pattern to the dating experiences that I’d like to share.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS…

(let’s pretend I’m the man in this story and you’re the woman)

You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)

Feelings develop for us both on several levels. (physically, emotionally, socially)

You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.

We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage.

Time goes by and things are great for us.

Eventually, you begin to see that you’re not getting what you want from me in the relationship.

You want more, but you’re scared of talking to me about it because you don’t know where I’m at.

You’re scared because I’ve talked to you about all the bad experiences I’ve had with women in the past.

And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions.

You don’t want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you’ll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind.

Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I’m not looking for much more than what we have right now.

So you don’t say anything to me directly to communicate what’s going on for you and your feelings.

And of course, being a normal guy, I don’t say anything either. (Of course, I’m a man!)

You become frustrated and confused that I’m not acting how I used to act.

Things begin to change with the way I treat you.

I don’t pay as much attention to you anymore.

I don’t surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.

I’m tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.

I call you less frequently.

I don’t initiate sex as much anymore.

You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.

And after a few months - I’ve become distant.

So what happens next?

You decide you’re not happy with where things are and it’s time to have a talk about where we’re at.

But you’re SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

And to wrap the story up…

You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN…

You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”!

(you get upset and lose your cool with me)

All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you’ve been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion…

This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

Sometimes it’s just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

It might include:

• Complaining about the current state of the relationship
• Talking about the things he does wrong with you
• Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing
• Becoming upset that he doesn’t feel how you’d like him to feel
• Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.

This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive result with him.

That tension that’s created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.

In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.

Yep, I know it’s not fair, but it’s the man’s weird and twisted reality…

I’ve heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.

Yeah, I know… it’s inmature, selfish and not fair of the man, but it’s the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men.

So how do you avoid this….? I’ll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) You Need To Understand What’s Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man…

Let me tell it to you straight, as a man…

Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.

Kind of like it’s the unspoken truth about what’s going on.

Honestly… this isn’t how it works for us men.

If you’re “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, you’re wrong.

Men don’t assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they’re in a committed relationship.

Some men do, but not most.

For a man to know he’s in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

Yeah, that’s right… You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

Scary!

But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such a great guy.

And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it’s NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to communicate with their guy.

That’s right, they’ve taken time to find the right information and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

It’s not easy, but there’s help.

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It’s basic human nature.

But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life!)

Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.

The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet.

So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be, without honestly and critically considering the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he’s coming from at the same time.

When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

And men can read and pick up on women who do this instantly.

I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business by the way.

Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication.

Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they’re not very experienced or polished at it.

The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda… and it instantly puts me on the defensive.

But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.

It’s very simple but extremely powerful.

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with men.

It might sound cliche’, but you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where’s he’s at and where’s he’s coming from.

This cliche’ is a around for a reason.

It works.

Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about.

But you’ve got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.

Use your common sense and intuition to safeguard yourself - I know that your female perceptive abilities aren’t used nearly enough, so put these strong tools to good use.

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men…

Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

I would know. It’s taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

Sorry though, I’m “spoken for”… (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)

Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.

So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.

Sorry to break the bad news, but it’s almost always up to you to make this communication happen.

It’s important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!

There’s no rule that says you can’t consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.

In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.

When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants… and knowledge is influence and power.

I’m not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.

When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.

Try this instead.

Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”

It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you’re having a tough time with, but think about it…

If you’re going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you’re thinking.

You might want to check out what could be the world’s best collection of ideas, strategies, insights and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistakes, and other big mistakes in my ebook, “ Catch Him And Keep Him”.

It’s full off specific ways to communicate with a man that will instantly amplify the attraction he feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no time flat.

I’ve spent the better part of the last year making sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLD ANSWERS and solutions to the things you’re dealing with when it comes to men.

Go check it out right now:

Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download

How to Find and Attract Your One True Love By A Aaron Platinum Quality Author

You look around you and think that finding and attracting the right man is close to impossible. Everybody seems to be enjoying their relationship with the man that they love, but it seems that you can't. You are successful in everything that you do but your one true love eludes you until now. What can you do?

Is there even a one true love? What makes him great anyway? He is one man who'll love you unconditionally, flaws and imperfections included. There'll be things in your relationship that he won't agree with, but he'll love you nevertheless. This guy will love you the way that you love him, and even more.

The question now is if finding him is possible. And if you do find him, can you attract him and make him stay for the long haul?

Yes, you can find him, and yes, you can attract him enough to make him fall for you and commit to a long-term relationship.

Close your eyes and think about the man you think is your one true love. He is standing there in front of you. What's he like? What are his characteristics?

Pretend that you are planning a weekend get-away to a romantic destination. Can you imagine how a conversation with him would go? Now feel the way he touches you. The way you see, feel, and hear him in your mind is how you view your one true love.

Now the question is if it's even possible to meet someone like him. Yes you can, if you know how.

You may have had a lot of bad experiences in the past with the men the you dated. As you visualized your one true love earlier, you were actually "manifesting" him already. If you've heard of love at first sight, then manifesting is "love BEFORE the first sight." Manifesting is picturing him in your mind, believing that he's there and just waiting for you to connect with him. Believe in your heart that you can really manifest the man of your dreams and that he's out there somewhere.

The next step is to do something different and change for the better. When you always think that it's always the man's fault why a relationship isn't working, then now is the best time for you to take a second look at how you handle your relationship as well. Nagging him and trying to change him "for the better" won't work! Remember that a relationship is a two-way street, and for it to work, both of you need to work together. And the change should start from inside you.

If you have been in and out of relationships that clearly don't work, stop your unwillingness to take action and try something new - because the best is yet to com

Find out how to help your Mr Right find you.

Visit http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com for more relationship advice.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=A_Aaron

Stress Relief Tips to Help You Get to the Root of Your Stress

The following stress relief tips are simple and practical. They will swiftly ease your stress!

Step 1. Become Aware

In a relaxed position, with your eyes closed, picture yourself being stressed. In your mind’s eye, go through every stress symptom that you have.

Feel yourself being stressed. It is imperative that the visualization is very real with powerful emotions attached to it.

Now picture yourself becoming aware that you are stressed. You are now the Observer of your behavior. You see your symptoms but your perception of them is of something separate from you.

It is like a miniature awakening!

You begin to feel empowered because as the Observer you realize that you can change how you are feeling!

Visualize yourself calming down and feeling relaxed.

Feel your stress dissipating!

You are now able to go about your day in a mindful and productive manner.

Finally, tell yourself that the next time you are feeling this way it will be your clue that you are stressed. And you will once again become the Observer of your feelings and use these Stress Relief Tips to overcome your stress.

This was just the dress rehearsal but a very important part of this exercise.

These stress relief tips are helping you train yourself to become more aware!

Step 2. Breathe Deeply

Now go about your day normally, and the next time you experience one of your stress symptoms stop what you are doing and make a conscious choice to transform these debilitating feelings.

Close your eyes, sit back in your chair and take ten deep cleansing breaths.

Breath is life.

When we are stressed, our breathing becomes shallow and labored. This translates into our life being shallow and labored at that moment.

Inhale through your nose and exhale through your nose.

This may be difficult for some of you but do your best to go with it. The benefits are worth it!

When you inhale through your nose your breath is being filtered and warmed as it enters the body. When you exhale through the nose it slows down your breathing, creating a more relaxed breathing pattern. In yoga, it is sometimes said that you use your mouth for eating and your nose for breathing.

If you don’t feel your symptoms dissipating and your stress evaporating it means that you aren’t breathing properly. Don’t do this exercise if you are just going to go through the motions. Take the time to do ten deep and cleansing breathes.

They should be unforced; when you are done you should definitely feel more peaceful.

If you are driving or with someone or for any other reason unable to close your eyes and stop what you are doing, you can still relax and de-stress yourself; simply by turning your attention inwards. Focus on your breath.

If you are speaking, focus your attention on your words, feel yourself slowing down, feel yourself becoming more present.

If you are listening to someone speak then focus your attention on the other person, on his or her words, what do their words really mean?

If you are reading, slow down, look at each word on the page, absorb them.

The bottom line is:

Focus your attention on what it is that you are doing at that moment!

Step 3. Reflect

After the ten deep breathes and while still sitting in your chair (or as soon as possible afterward) with your eyes closed, reflect on why you were feeling stressed.

Trace each thought and connecting thought until you get to the source of your anxiety. If you have trouble remembering, don’t be hard on yourself, it will become easier with practice.

The next time you feel the tension coming back, stop what you are doing, but this time, analyze the cause of your anxiety before you do your ten deep breathes.

Be honest with yourself.

Sometimes we know what has caused our problems but the reasons may seem embarrassing to us or scary and we prefer to leave it to live in the subconscious.

Now with the thoughts clearly in your mind let us move onto the next part of the Stress Relief Tips.

Step 4. Live in the Now

It is time to examine the thoughts; to look at them as the Observer, unemotionally and detached from them.

Most of us become stressed for one of two reasons:

We are thinking of the past, or we are thinking of the future.

It’s true! When you explore your feelings, you will see that you were worried about being late for something, not meeting a deadline, worried about your health or someone else’s. Worried about the state of the world, fearful of losing your job, afraid of not having enough money and so on.

You were thinking of the future. Or you were thinking about how you should have done this or should have done that, you are mad at your boss or spouse or parents for something in your past. You are angry because of being wronged in your past. You are upset because of how you went off of your diet. If only I did this or said that then none of this would have happened and so on.

You are thinking in the past.

When you become mindful of the present moment, your stress disappears.

Now that you are aware of the thoughts that are at the root of your tension; what are you going to about them?

Some of you may have more success if you write them down. Some of you may not take the time, so just thinking about them is fine.

As you reflect on each thought, come up with a solution.

If you are worried about money, what is it that you can do right now to help with your financial issues? Can you write up a budget for yourself, can you go ask your boss for a raise? How can you simplify your life so you can spend less money? How can you become more efficient and productive, freeing up more time to earn extra money?

If you are worried about not sticking to your diet, what can you do right now that will help? If you are upset because of feeling wronged in your past, what practices can you undertake to work on your anger and resentment?

How can you move on?

Alleviating your stress requires a transformation of your thoughts!

This transformation may take some time but the journey begins with awareness. When you use these stress relief tips you will gradually become more conscious of what has triggered your stress.

You don’t need to be alone on your journey. I am here to help!

Join the consciousness revolution that is underway!

I hope these stress relief tips were helpful!

Karen Parsons - who has written 6 posts on Life Coaches Blog.

What do you do when...?

Monday, 18 May 2009 00:00 Amy Parks

What do you do when you feel so hopelessly inlove that you would literally be shamed by everyone just to have that one person by your side?! and What do you do when it all comes crashing down because theyve done it again and you feel like they would cheat with anyone as long as theyre not with you!? and What do you do when you finally leave them for just the right amount of time for them to go crazy in self loathing for losing you, taking them back and then not feeling sure if this is love anymore. What can you do? Id like to know .. because at the end of the day.. i deserve better, but Better isnt HIM! Better isnt going to look at me the same way he does or touch me the same way he does.. Better isnt going to hold me in its arms at night when im cold or cant sleep, and Better sure as hell isnt going to feel like the tingles i get from his hot breath on the back of my neck everytime he comes to kiss me.

He has hurt me in so many ways that when i look in the mirror it isnt even me staring back anymore.. Hes broken my spirit, hes made me cry, but yet i always run back and i dont know why but i do know that he makes me happy. Maybe not all the time but he does and i just cant let him go.

Hes my sick puppy, hes my adventure, hes dark and cold and yet he draws my attention and keeps it. He stares me in the eyes and everything blurs because i know hes looking at me. Then my heart starts to race and i feel all happy again and nothing can take that away. Until.. he cheats again.